10 Rules To  Remember At Your Kids Game

HEY, PARENTS, LISTEN UP!
Here are 10 rules to remember when you're on the sidelines at your kid's game.

by Rick Wolff

Your son slides into homeplate - easily beating the tag - but the ump hollers "Out!" Or your daughter the goalie is looking left when all the action is to her right. You're on the sidelines. What should you do or say?

From years of experience as a sports dad, a coach, and a psychologist, my advice is: always THINK before you act or speak. Here are 10 rules to remember.

1. CHEER, don't SNEER! Only positive words should come out of your mouth during a game. There is simply no place for negative comments or criticism.
2. WALK before you SQUAWK. If you feel a sudden urge to yell at the coach or the ref, take a walk and cool off before you say something that will embarrass you - or your child.
3. A YELL won't make the team JELL. Don't bellow instructions to your child from the sideline. It's boorish and your kid can't hear a word you're saying, anyway!
4. Don't sell them SHORT, be a SPORT. If the opposing team has played well, give them a pat on the back. Nothing makes a kid feel more special than when a parent from the opposing team tells him how well he played.
5. Don't point and BLAME when they lose a GAME. When your child's team loses, don't blame it on a bad call, a teammate's error, or anything else. How will your child learn to accept responsibility if you don't?
6. Give 'em a SMILE - not BILE. Kids always respond to the coach or parent who smiles - not to the adult who criticizes or scowls. Besides, your child wants to see you having fun.
7. RAISE with PRAISE. That's right, the kids will "raise" their game and their efforts if you praise them. Use any achievement as an excuse for a compliment. They want to believe in themselves. And you can help them.
8. For pete's SAKE, give the ump a BREAK! Remember, most of the umpires and referees are volunteers donating their time to your kids. And accept it: "Bad" calls are part of sports.
9. PARALYSIS by ANALYSIS. Avoid replaying the game in the family station wagon on the drive home. If your kid brings the game up, fine. But chances are it's about the last thing he wants to talk about.
10. This I BESEECH, practice what your PREACH. With too many pro athletes talking trash and misbehaving, parents have to work extra hard to teach kids fair play. Make sure your own sportsmanship is flawless. You're the most important role models kids have!

When your child wants to quit his team

YOUR CHILD WANTS TO QUIT HIS TEAM: HERE'S HOW TO HELP HIM MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION

by Rick Wolff

One evening after practice, 12-year-old Jonathan told his parents that he had decided to quit the team.

Jonathan's parents were perplexed. He was a good player, and he seemed to look forward to practices and games. Why would he want to quit?

His parents tried to find out. Jonathan just shrugged his shoulders. "Playing on the team just isn't cool anymore," he said.

Two weeks into the baseball season, seven-year-old Sarah was holding her own on one of her town's coed rec teams. She seemed to be really enjoying herself and learning the game.

So Sarah's parents were stunned when she announced one Saturday morning: "I don't want to play baseball anymore. It's not fun."

Every day, kids decide to stop doing things. But when your child wants to quit a team, it raises issues about commitment, perseverance, social development, and physical education. What should you do when your child says, "I quit!"?

GET TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER

Whatever reason your child first offers for wanting to quit, there's probably more to it. Get your child to articulate the underlying causes of his unhappiness. That can be tricky, especially since he might not realize what they are himself.

Coax him into telling you why he wants to quit. Use your best active listening skills: Repeat what he says to you so that he knows you hear him; let him finish without rushing in to rebut each point, so that he is willing to say more.

If he seems reluctant, gently prompt him by asking specific questions, such as, "Is there something about the coach that bothers you?"

Listen carefully, or the real reason he wants to quit will slip by you. Once the reason has been identified, assess the situation. Can the problem be solved or is quitting the right choice?

DECIDE WHAT ACTION TO TAKE

Sometimes a simple solution presents itself. For example, after a heart-to-heart talk, Jonathan's parents discovered that their son had been getting less playing time and was embarrassed to be sitting on the bench.

Jonathan's father called the coach to discuss his son's concerns. The coach hadn't realized that he had been giving Jonathan less playing time and said that he would be sure to play Jonathan more. Buoyed by the coach's assurance, Jonathan went back and had a terrific time.

Your child's concern may be equally easy to correct. It may just require some intervention by you.

TEACH YOUR CHILD TO STICK WITH IT

Sometimes the problem is thornier or your child has firmly made up her mind. Sarah's parents discovered that she wanted to quit the baseball team because most of her girlfriends were playing tennis and soccer. She realized she'd rather play with them than play on the baseball team.

This brought Sarah and her parents to a central issue about playing team sports: commitment. For many parents, it is simply unacceptable to quit a team for any reason.

If this is how you feel, tread cautiously. Young kids, like seven-year-old Sarah, are usually trying out team sports for the first time. Team commitment is new to them. Sarah's parents explained to her what commitment to a team meant. But, in deciding how firmly to apply this position, they also took into consideration their daughter's age.

As your child gets older, however, a sense of commitment should be enforced. By the time she is 12, she should understand that leaving the team is not acceptable except under extreme circumstances.

CONSIDER THE CHILD

Take your child's personality and experience into account. Some children are so bashful that a new situation terrifies them. With help from the coach and teammates, you can help them hang in there until they are comfortable.

But what about the 11-year-old chronic quitter who wants to quit his third team in as many seasons? If he sees no reason to stick with anything, it might be time to take a tougher position.

DISCUSS THE CONSEQUENCES

If your child still wants to quit after discussing the problem, support his decision. And be sure he plans to fill his extra time with another activity, preferably a physical one. Unless he is very young, or painfully shy, teach him accountability by having him tell the coach that he is leaving the team, and why.

Learning about commitment, discipline, accountability, and sacrifice are some of the most important lessons a young athlete can take away from team sports. Helping to teach those lessons is part of your commitment to your child.

Encouraging without pushing

WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE ENCOURAGING YOUR CHILD IS FINE, BUT DON'T OVERDO IT

by Dr. Michael Simon

Butterflies. Sweaty palms. Increased heart rate. The 12-year-old hockey goalie was experiencing classic signs of anxiety. I counseled him, then chatted with his dad.

"I bought him a martial-arts stretching machine," said the father. "While he stretches, I try to get him psyched for the next game. We're trying to get a jump-start on getting a college scholarship."

The son's pregame jitters suddenly made sense to me. By pushing his son to become a superstar, the dad was causing him major stress.

It's natural for a parent to want to help children do well, and kids sometimes need a push. But there's a difference between gently pushing and excessively pushing a child. The difference is seen in the effect each approach has on the child. Gentle pushing gives kids confidence and courage. Excessive pushing can cause fear, anxiety, guilt, and even resentment.

When a girl is staring with trepidation down a ski slope and her father says, "Come on, you're holding us up," he's intensifying her anxious feelings and likely making her feel guilty for being cautious. But when the father says, "I see you're worried. I'm here to help," he's validating her feelings and making her feel safe.

Here's some advice on how to make sure you're encouraging - not shoving - your child.

Focus on your child's needs. Children don't play sports to bring their parents glory. If your child is at-bat and you're shouting, "We're counting on you! Don't disappoint us!" you're likely trying to satisfy your need for fulfillment. And you're putting responsibility for supplying that fulfillment on your child. Instead, say something like, "Just give it your best swing!" This gives your child the support he needs, so that he can learn, improve, and have fun. It also reaffirms your unconditional love for him.

Be sensitive. You've spent a bundle on hockey equipment, but your child wants to quit. Rather than saying, "I've spent all this money on a quitter," try saying, "Give it a few more weeks so that you can get a taste of the sport ." (Of course, if your child is showing real signs of distress, talk things through immediately.)

Be positive. Instead of running down courtside to shout, "You're giving this match away!" stay seated, smile, and pump your fist as if to say, "Hey, we believe in you. You can do it!"

A parent should help his child cope with the stress of sports - not add to it.

ARE YOU A PUSHY SPORTS PARENT ?

Do you agree with the following statements?

• Before every game, I make my child review strategies with me.
• It's okay to give my child advice during competition.
• I always let my child know if I feel he or she has choked away a game or match.
• If I spend a lot of money on equipment, I expect my child to play the sport for a long time.
• I do whatever it takes to get my kid on the top teams.

If you agree with any one of these statements, you may be pushing your child athlete too hard.

- Dr. Michael Simon is a sports psychologist and a consultant to Major League Baseball, the NHL, and the U.S. Tennis Association. (from Sports Parents magazine, September 1997)

Building a team player

BUILDING A TEAM PLAYER TEAMWORK SKILLS LEARNED ON THE PLAYING FIELD CAN SERVE YOUR CHILD THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE

by Dr. Michael Simon

It was a situation that could have turned a game of baseball into a youth sports nightmare.

Late in a tight baseball game in Harlem last summer, the coach of a team of 13-to-15-year-olds realized that he hadn't met the league rules about playing time. Two players hadn't had their turn in the field. To accommodate both players meant taking out a key player. Not playing the reserves meant forfeiting the game.

As the kids began arguing over who would be benched, the team captain volunteered, "No problem, Coach, let him go in for me." The crisis was over, thanks to a simple act by a true team player.

Of course, it usually doesn't happen that way in youth sports (or college or the pros, for that matter). At a recent youth roller-hockey game, for example, the top player on one team hogged the puck virtually the entire game, making his teammates angry and frustrated. His team lost, 11-0.

It happens all the time: Basketball players take the wild shot, instead of making the pass, or soccer defenders wander out of position, leaving their teammates outmanned.

Being a team player is important, not only in sports but in life. The ability to cooperate, communicate, respect, and get along with others are valuable traits, whether you're in the board room or operating room, production line or chorus line. And there's no better place to learn these skills than on the playing field.

But becoming a good team player is a process, and it takes guidance. It's like building a house: Start with a good foundation, then move up. In preschool, children start to learn the concepts of sharing, taking turns, and cooperating. When you say things like, "Now, it's Tommy's turn," you are teaching your child to be a team player.

When your child starts to participate in team sports , he encounters different aspects of team play, such as the importance of team goals, roles, communication, camaraderie, and support. You can nurture his sense of team play by providing praise whenever you see him acting appropriately. A comment like "I saw you give Jose a pat on the back after he struck out. You're a good teammate" reinforces the importance of supporting teammates. Or saying "That pass you made to Suzy was pretty impressive" can lead to a discussion of how team play produces success.

If your child is not being a team player, take him aside and firmly but gently point out alternative behaviors. For instance, if he's trying to grab the basketball from his teammate, say, "If you want the ball, wave your arms and yell, 'I'm open!' "

The most important place to develop cooperation, respect, and support is in your everyday life. Children learn a lot from watching their parents , so make certain you are a good team player. Whether you are painting a room or dealing with a work crisis, goals, roles, communication, and other team-player skills are in order. Use those skills with your colleagues, your partners, and your kids. Chances are, your children will learn to use them too.

HOW TO CREATE A TEAM PLAYER

• Praise your child when he or she acts like a team player.
• After each game, ask your child, "What did you do for the team?"
• When watching sports with your child, point out examples of team play when you see them.
• Create a team environment at home in tackling common activities, such as preparing dinner.
• Make sure you act like a team player in sports and in everyday life.

(from Sports Parents magazine, June 1997)

Handling the pitfalls of self-esteem

I STINK! HANDLING THE PITFALLS OF SELF-ESTEEM

by Brooks Clark

Justin had his heart set on making the middle-school soccer team. But during the tryouts, he could see he wasn't keeping up. When the coach read the names of the players who had made the team, Justin's heart sank. His name was not on the list.

Justin looked over to his best friend, whose name had been called. His friend was exchanging high fives with the other players who had made the team. Hiding his tears, Justin walked to the parking lot. His mother knew the tryouts had not gone well the instant Justin climbed into the car.

She wondered what she could say to bolster her son's self-esteem. Sports are supposed to be fun, healthy activities that help build self-esteem. They are supposed to give children the confidence to try new things and overcome obstacles. Sports are supposed to teach kids that it is okay to make mistakes and to not always be the best.

But sometimes sports are not fun. And sometimes those mistakes do not feel okay. All young athletes face moments that challenge their self-esteem. They may be cut from a team, drop a fly ball, or overhear a stinging comment by a teammate or parent .

"In all these situations," says Frank Smoll, a sports psychology professor at the University of Washington, "it's not so much what happens as the way it's perceived. And those perceptions come mostly from the significant people in a child's life, namely, the parents and coaches."

Says Dr. Aynsley Smith, a sports psychologist at the Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, Minn.: "Our job as parents is to keep our perspective. If not too much is made of the successes and the failures, and if kids consistently get the message that we love and value them as people, then they can usually take the rough moments in stride."

Parents can take several important steps to help build their child's self-esteem. Among them:

• Take the focus off winning. "As coaches and parents ," says Smoll, "we can explain the difference between the factors that kids can control - their own effort, improvement, and sportsmanship - and those they cannot, notably the skill level of their opponents and the outcome of a game. Then we can focus on the things they can control. Instead of winning, we can talk about fun, participation, and effort."
• Maintain a sense of balance. When Smith counsels young athletes, she shows them a pie chart. "The pie represents who you think you are as a person," she says. "One piece is your sport . Other pieces are you as a son or daughter, a student, a friend, a member of the choir, and so on. If that is your view of yourself, even if you dropped the pass and everybody is disappointed with you, it's okay because that is only one piece of your sense of self-worth."

What can you, as the parent , say when your child gets cut from a team? Here are some common situations in which you and your child may find yourselves and some ways to respond to them that will build your child's self-esteem.

FAILING TO MAKE THE TEAM

When Michael Jordan was in the 10th grade, he failed to make his high school basketball team. It was painful and humiliating for him, but he resolved to keep practicing and try out for the team the following year. (He made it.)

"This is a common scenario," says Dr. Vern Seefeldt, director and professor emeritus of the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports at Michigan State University. "Most of the disappointment comes from unrealistic expectations on the part of the athlete and the parent . This is especially true if the child is moving up from an 'everybody plays' recreational league to a school team that has a limited roster."

Parents need to discuss expectations. They need to introduce the reality that in competitive situations some players will make the team and other players will not. Being selected is not a measure of self-worth nor an indicator of future success in that sport.

Parent: "How did it go?" (Do not ask: "Did you make the team?" That question hints that making the team is what is important to you.)

Child: "I didn't make it. I stink. I'm no good at anything."

Strategy: "Encourage a child to talk about the disappointment," says Smith. "Then respect the feelings, put things in perspective, and look at the options." Is there a workout plan to improve skills? Is there another sport or activity your child might enjoy? "This teaches a valuable life skill," says Smith, "of acknowledging a setback and moving on."

THE BIG LOSS

Shaking off a loss may be easier for a child than it is for a parent . But when a child is having a hard time with a defeat, a parent should focus on the child's effort and personal growth, not on winning. And they should show the same love after a loss as after a win.

Parent: "Did you have fun?" (instead of "Did you win?")

Child: "We lost."

Parent: "You gave your best. You'll get 'em next time."

Strategy: It is tempting to offer tips - "We need to work on your swing" - but these kinds of tips tend to sound critical.

THE BIG MUFF

In 1986, Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner muffed a grounder that allowed the New York Mets to come back and win the World Series.

Afterward, he was so hounded by fans that he left Massachusetts and moved to Idaho.

A first-grade soccer goalie who lets a winning goal bounce past her can feel as if the world is coming down on her. Good coaches know that the bigger the muff, the quicker they should encourage the child to discuss it and move on. Yet these moments can still be difficult.

Parent: "Everybody makes mistakes. You did your best, and we're proud of you."

Child: "But, Mom, everybody was counting on me and I blew it!"

Strategy: Help your child realize that a loss can't be blamed on an individual or on a single moment during a game. "If a soccer game goes into overtime before a goalie gives up a goal, does that negate the scoreless periods up to that point?" asks Smith. "Everyone on the team had plenty of chances to make plays."

THE STINGING COMMENT

"Way to lose us the game!" Whether from a coach, another player, or a blowhard in the stands, barbs can be painful.

Parent: "That really hurt, didn't it. I'm sorry that person said what he said."

Child: "They hate me. I feel so embarrassed."

Strategy: "This is a chance for a child to learn why we don't say things like that," says Smith. "Then you have to go back to how wrong it is for anyone to point the finger of blame. And say to the child, 'Dropping the ball is what upset your teammates. It's not you as a person who they were criticizing. They probably like you very much.' "

"I STINK"

"No matter what skill level a child is at," says Seefeldt, "he or she can improve through practice and motivation. The problem is, they usually compare themselves to the best player on the team, when the comparison should be between where the child is today and where he or she can be in the next week or month."

Still, many children feel inept and worthless.

Parent: "We don't care how well you played. The point is to have fun and improve."

Child: "I'm the worst player on the team."

Strategy: Acknowledge your child's feelings, and talk about what the child can do or how much he or she has learned. Avoid empty praise such as, "You're as good as Arthur any day!"

Instead, says Smoll, " parents should help their kids accept who they are, then set reasonable goals." Introduce the importance of positive thinking. "We have a choice in life: to think 'bad' or think 'good,' " says Smith. "As parents , we have to work on optimism."

Reminder: A child who is "not doing well" may not be bothered at all. "Some kids just love being a part of a team," says Smith. "They may love the status, the jersey, or the trophy. Some don't like to play and are relieved when they don't have to. And it's not a problem unless the parent or coach makes it a problem."

"I QUIT"

The toughest moment of all can be when a child wants to quit. Kids know they'll disappoint their parents , especially if the kids are good at sports . "As parents , we feel uncomfortable because we're not sure what they're going to do after sports ," says Smith. " Parents might have had expectations, such as scholarships, if the child is good at sports ."

Parent: "Is it the coach or the sport?"

Strategy: If it's the coach, then it's worthwhile to work out a solution. If it's the sport , ask your child what he or she doesn't like about the sport . Kids develop other interests, especially in their teen years. When a child wants to quit a sport , it's hard for a parent to say, "Okay, we support you." But showing support for your child's decisions is also important for his or her feeling of self-worth.

HOW TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM

Focus on effort, participation, fun, and skill building, not on winning. Ask "How did you like the game? Did you have fun?" not "Did you win?" Do the same special thing with your child - go for ice cream, a burger, or a comic book - after a loss that you do after a win. Be a model for putting losses in perspective and moving on.

• Help your child work on a specific skill. A bunt, a layup, a move, a header - nothing makes kids happier than learning something new, especially if it comes from you.
• Make positive comments, the more specific the better. "I saw how hard you kicked that ball after Johnny passed it to you!" Everybody likes recognition for real achievements. Vague, false praise has a tendency to make kids nervous.
• Don't compare your child with other players. Focus instead on your child's individual development and efforts to improve his or her skills. Point out to your child where he is now, and where he can be a month from now.
• Make sure your child is in the right league. Don't wait until your child is overwhelmed by the level of play to find out which league is appropriate.
• Help find the right sport . A smaller child may do better in gymnastics than football. Sometimes a kid hates hoops but loves tennis. The important thing is that the sport be fun.
• Encourage other interests. Sports can be a healthy part of a child's life, but sports should not be a child's whole life. Show that you value studies, friends, and other activities by paying as much attention to them as you do to sports.
• Respect those mementos. Watch kids' eyes when the trophy box comes out. Watch where they put the team pictures and how often they wear the jerseys. Every kid gets a boost of self-esteem from reminders that he or she was part of a team.

(from Sports Parents magazine, September 1996)

Dealing with anger

BIG-LEAGUE ANGER: HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR BUDDING SUPERSTAR COPE WITH THE FRUSTRATIONS OF SPORTS

by Dr. Michael Simon

The referee at your 11-year-old son's soccer game has just given him a yellow card for making an unsportsmanlike tackle. Your kid goes ballistic and starts screaming at the ref. His tirade leads to a red card and ejection from the game.

You ask yourself, Where in the world did he pick up that vicious little temper? Maybe he has a short fuse. Maybe he's imitating those angry, scowling pro athletes he sometimes sees on TV.

Or maybe he's imitating your behavior. Has he seen you hollering at the ref on TV for making a call you thought was ludicrous? Have you been giving him the message that sports is a matter of life or death? You have been drilling it into his head that he has to step up his game if he wants to make the traveling team.

The first places children look for clues about how to behave are to adult role models. As a parent, it's especially important for you to model appropriate behavior. Of course, even if you are a great role model of good sportsmanship, your young athletes still need help in learning how to behave that way.

Anger and frustration are a part of sports. Children can get upset when they lose, make an error, or miss an easy volley. Getting shown up in front of teammates or family members can also trigger their anger.

One of the beauties of sports is that they present ideal opportunities for teaching children life lessons. You can use sports to help kids learn to cope with frustrating and angry feelings. Learning to deal with those feelings will help them handle frustrations off the field, as well.

Here are four common situations that can cause young athletes to lose their cool and some things you can say to help your child deal with these situations in a positive, constructive way.

Situation 1: The Blowup. So what do you do if your child blows up at a ref? Speak to your child before going home, but after the game, when he has had time to cool down and think about the fact that his burst of anger got him ejected.

What to say: Try saying something like "All athletes get frustrated, and refs sometimes make close, and even bad, calls. But screaming at the ref is unacceptable. It will never get the ref to change his mind. And, as you found out, it can get you ejected. First, go over and apologize to the ref. Then let's talk about better ways to handle your frustrations."

What this accomplishes: This approach shows your child that you empathize with his feelings of frustration. It also reminds him of the inappropriateness of his actions and the consequences they can have. You're also opening a discussion with him, in which, presumably, he'll express his feelings and you'll offer some suggestions on how he can respond appropriately the next time he gets angry.

Situation 2: The Sore Loser. Your 14-year-old has lost another tennis match. She throws down her racket and storms off the court, just as she did at the last two matches she lost. You've talked to her at length about the inappropriateness of her behavior, but you obviously did not get through to her.

What to say: This situation demands a tougher response. You might say "I know you're really disappointed, but this poor behavior has occurred once too often. It's time to take a break from tournaments until you've learned how to keep your cool on the court."

Then you need to give your child tools to help her keep her cool. Try teaching her to use imagery, by picturing herself in a calming environment. "Channeling" is another technique to transfer emotional intensity into performance. Have your child pretend that her angry feelings are energy that can be channeled through the body and limbs to the equipment to "charge it up." Once charged with all this energy, the limbs and equipment perform better.

What this accomplishes: This approach shows your daughter that, while you understand her feelings of disappointment, there are limits. She needs to know that you are willing to set and reinforce boundaries in order to teach the importance of sportsmanship and good character.

Situation 3: The Finger Pointer. One of your son's teammates coughs up the puck and the other team scores the winning goal. After the game, your son rips into his teammate.

What to say: Try saying "I know that was a tough loss, but instead of blaming each other, a good team takes responsibility as a whole. It takes an entire team to win or lose a game. I'm sure Josh feels terrible about this mistake, too. Put yourself in his place. You don't need to rub it in."

What this accomplishes: In addition to addressing the importance of empathy, this comment reminds your son that everyone on the team wants to do well, that everyone needs to pull for one another, and that all athletes make mistakes. This will help your child modify his expectations so that they are more realistic.

Situation 4: Sticks and Stones. Your child is provoked into a fistfight with another child, who teased him for wearing old, out-of-style sneakers.

What to say: Say something like "I know being teased can hurt, but fighting is totally unacceptable. Besides, there are better ways of dealing with kids who tease you, like ignoring them, walking away, or getting an adult's help."

What this accomplishes: Saying this validates your child's feelings, reinforces the idea that fighting is unacceptable, and gives him other choices for dealing with the situation.

Of course, you should always praise your child when you see him or her acting appropriately. The more children know how they're supposed to act, the easier they'll be able to do it, come crunch time.

By being open and honest, and by taking a primary role in the learning process, you can help your little superstar handle big-league anger.

HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR KID KEEP HIS COOL

• Put sports in proper perspective. Take pressure off your child by emphasizing processes like skill improvement, personal growth, and fun, instead of wins and losses or personal stats.
• Help modify his expectations. Remind your child that all athletes and teams make mistakes and that they don't have great games every time.
• Provide outlets for blowing off steam. Teach your child to "channel" angry feelings through her body onto equipment to "charge it up" to perform better. Another technique is to use "imagery" and imagine she is in a calm environment. Relaxation drills and deep breathing also help diffuse anger.
• Offer praise. Praise your child when she acts appropriately.
• Model appropriate behavior. Show your children that you can maintain your cool when things get heated.

When a child screams at a ref or throws a tantrum once too often, you may need to insist on a timeout from the sport.

(from Sports Parents magazine, May 1998)